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“Some of the highlights of this amazing adventure include daily kayak excursions along the coast of Espiritu Santu and outlying islands, exploring the beautiful white sand beaches of Baja, hiking in canyons festooned in hanging fig trees, fishing for sea bass, bouldering through wild canyons and arroyos, and snorkeling with colorful tropical fish and friendly sea lions.”
adventure, attachment, Beloved, bliss, boundaries, clarity, fear, fearlessness, freedom, hot air balloon, inner peace, inner strength, paradise, roadblocks, sanctuary, self-love, spa, surf, transformation, travel, warrior
You are stronger than you know says a quiet voice from within, silencing my strangled cries and stemming the flow of salty tears that stream down my blotchy face—bringing my attention out of a troubled fog and into focus. As daylight recedes, I hardly notice the blazing red sunset illuminating the row of floor to ceiling windows in my bedroom.
As the last rays of sunlight fade, I lay curled in the fetal position—cocooned in my soft down comforter on my king-sized bed. I seek a solace that refuses to appear. My bed, so often a sanctuary from the world, has now become a precarious cliff I struggle to cling to.
I am? Are you sure, I ask? My uncertainty wars with belief.
I am wracked with fearsome doubt. Worry assails me as I wonder how I will manage my crumbling life. A house of cards I have painstakingly created—now fallen in disarray. Mate, job and housing, all within several months of each other, completely torn away, and life as I have known it has become a fathomless mystery—a dark and scary place.
After 33 years of marriage, and raising two families, I was utterly alone for the first time since I was a teen. My third marriage of 15 years had deteriorated to ships passing in the night, giving as wide a berth as possible in our encroaching 1400 square foot condo. Our children had moved beyond the familial borders of their youth and were off living their own lives. I had been laid off from the great paying job I’d struggled so hard to earn and keep after years of varied sales positions–juggling family and career. A weariness had seeped into my bones, rendering me useless. As despair pulled me into depression, I was left insecure, unstable, and deeply unhappy.
As a last resort I call upon my beloved seeking his solace, always believing I can manage it alone—this atlas weight on my shoulders, wants to crush me—but I am in over my head. The only recourse left is to give in to surrender and turn it over to the Beloved. I let go and pour out my heart; it gushes like a waterfall. A power far greater than my own settles over me, embracing me in its cocoon of grace and mercy, lifting me upon the wings of love, leaving behind all that tethers me to the physical. I become weightless–floating on air, freer than I have ever been and more loved than I could have imagined. This love infuses me with its essence and caresses my being, filling me with an abundance of bliss, joy, and unbridled happiness. So full of love–Soul begins to giggle as it frolic’s with the Divine flow. On its heels—an inner warrior begins to emerge.
The powerful weight that assailed me is replaced with a new-found sense of strength and wisdom born of my experience. I knew nothing in this life was permanent. Not the children I so lovingly devoted myself to nurture—often neglecting my own needs. Not a marriage that no longer brought me any happiness, having become loveless and empty. Nor the perfect sanctuary I spent months to locate and wrestled with my spouse over to keep when we parted ways. (My beautiful eagle’s nest perched high in the mountainside overlooking the bustling city below with its million dollar views—now a debt too costly to pay on my own with the recession in full swing.) Not even the job that at first was a feather in my cap but had quickly revealed its ugly truths having me rethinking my career direction entirely. As each revelation emerges revealing its wisdom—I open myself up to the possibility that life exists after the fall, and like the suns rays after the storms passing, a stronger reliance on my Beloved shines brightly through—never to be hidden away again.
I stand up…and my inner warrior begins to show itself in myriad ways. It had found its voice and would be silent no more. It was time to take action. With the precision of a warrior wielding a sword, brokering no argument or indecision, the operation commenced.
A Transformed Life
I begin cleaning rental properties–a side job I had done in the past for extra income. The work is sporadic and dirty but all I can find at the time. I sell off most of my furniture as the money will be needed to defray the costs of breaking my lease and securing a new place to live. The rest I place in storage or give away. I part with a third of my clothes and store what I don’t need for the upcoming season. I keep what I need and don’t look back. I let it all go. The attachment to materialism has become unimportant in the dawning light of a new day.
I go from living in a 1400 sq ft space with 2 bathrooms, by myself, to sharing space in a 900 sq ft condo with a friend and her son–sharing a bathroom with a young man I have just met. Relying heavily on the Beloved and my new-found inner warrior–I make the best of it–relishing the actions taken with a fearlessness I am beginning to enjoy. An inner strength that cuts asunder any foe that dares to destroy my inner equilibrium, as long as I remain consciously aware of it.
Now nothing has the power to overwhelm me unless I give it sanction. Even then I can redirect the tide of my experience at any moment and rise above it and reign supreme. Regardless what “it” is.
This greater self within me shines, with sword in hand, coming to my rescue when I have had enough of the limiting roadblocks that threaten to imprison me and hold me down. When I feel myself held back by anything, that’s when my fearless warrior appears.
I look forward to the next battle.
An adventurer at heart, I have embarked on many journeys, both inner and outer and have experienced great insights from my travels. Though I consider myself a fairly courageous woman, for too long I allowed barriers of fear to restrict my forward movement in fully embracing my life and allowing my creative energy to flourish. I have recently created a new path filled with scintillating adventures, transforming experiences, and ebullient dances of Soul-filled expressions of love and bliss, breaking barriers of every kind along the way.
I invite you to join me.
Whether it is a camel excursion to a desert oasis, a relaxing jungle spa-retreat, or a class learning to surf, scuba or sail the oceans of the world—the possibilities to explore are endless. Wherever the road takes us, inner or outer, it will be a rich immersion into new vistas and cultures offering an enriching perspective of the amazing world and Universe we live within.
I plan excursions for small groups of women desiring to travel with like-spirited travelers seeking new friends and adventures. I customize each trip to create a unique life experience—breaking through barriers for all of us.
Here is what you will find…
* Clarity about what is holding you back from achieving a life of love, peace and happiness
* Renewed trust in the process of life
* Transformation; changing what isn’t working for you
* Creating boundaries that put you in control
* Freedom from the limiting fears that prevent you from moving forward
* Inner peace regardless what is happening in your life
* Balancing instability and living a joyful life
* Reclaim your power through your inner warrior
* Breaking free of the attachments that bind you
* Finding love whether you are in relationship or not
* Expand your vision
Here are a few of the journeys I am currently creating:
Hot Air Ballooning in Provence
Camel Riding in Israel’s Negev Desert
Del Mar Surf Camp & Yoga retreat; Costa Rica
Tango Dancing in Argentina
Scuba Diving in Belize
Setting Sail in Thailand; Learning to Captain your own Ship
Jungle Spa Retreat in Costa Rica
Salsa Dancing in Havana, Cuba
Paris; A love affair to remember
Wine Festival; crushing the grape in Sonoma Valley, California
White water rafting: Salmon River, Idaho
A taste of Italy; a culinary experience
Hiking to Paradise; Lake Havasupai Falls, Arizona (The Grand Canyon)
Cycling through France
Kelea Surf Spa; Oahu, Hawaii
Tabacon Grand Spa Thermal Resort; La Fortuna, Costa Rica
Tango Dancing in Argentina
Cougar dating; a singles Cruise—TBA
I invite you to follow my blog to receive updates.
Please email me to share any adventures you would be interested in.
My 32-year old son has cut me out of his life.
He has decided his struggles are due to poor choices and examples I made that affected his life and current situation.
The specifics of my son’s censure are uncertain, as he refuses to discuss them with me or even talk to me. Although I value good communication in my personal relationships, ours had somehow deteriorated. A distance had crept in leaving a coldness I didn’t understand. What was once a loving and spiritually uplifting connection became a dark chasm of emptiness.
I especially miss my sweet four-year-old granddaughter, a beautiful soul I had spent nearly every weekend with for the first 3.5 years of her life. We had become very close and I loved her dearly but I had started to become resentful of the expectation to care for her every weekend. I struggled with the inner warring conflict of helping my family or breaking free to care for my own growing needs.
I love my children and grandchildren very much. They are each so beautiful and precious to me. I always want to be there for them, and help when and where I can, but I was sacrificing myself in ways that were suffocating my freedom of spirit, and taking more than I had to give.
From a young age I knew there was a Divine presence in my life, one that had loved me up on several occasions when life had become unbearable. This love spoke to something deep within the well of who I truly was inside, and I sought its presence whenever things became rough. Rough didn’t even cut it now. The same knife used to sever our relationship was now attempting to exact its vengeance on my heart. Without this loving presence in my life it could have been a heartbreak of epic proportion. This time, the love so often felt before, had now graced me with courage!
Weary with the long worn pressures of raising a large family, and the break-up of my marriage, I longed for a change from the never-ending cycle that was robbing me of my already scattered energy. I had begun to feel like an unappreciated indentured servant, and yearned to be released from the bonds that held me captive.
I had allowed myself to fall into an expected role set by society and supported by its citizens. So had my son. I couldn’t seem to break free of the mental and emotional perceptions I too had adopted, and was now within it’s restricting grasp.
With encouragement from my daughter, and the budding desire for freedom, I began to loosen the chains that were weighing me down, and actuated some necessary changes. It started with reducing the hours I cared for my granddaughter to every other weekend. Then when my job required me to work weekends too, I was unable to do even that but still helped out during the week when I was needed.
What brought the relationship issues to a head was when my son demanded my help with a court case he was entangled in, and insisted I help him immediately. “That’s what parents are for,” he said. “Maybe for once you can do something for me as a parent,” were some of his remarks. Other remarks alluded to how selfish I was, and that I only cared about myself.
Imagine my surprise, as I felt I’d always been there for him, often helping out when I really needed to help myself instead. Apparently I had fallen short in his eyes. It was the final straw for me, and in my sense of freedom, after years of falling victim to his bullying tendency, I spoke up to his disrespect.
Though I had often caved to his manipulations in the past to keep the peace, the dynamic had become intolerable and I could no longer allow it. I had grown out of those worn-out victim clothes, and had donned a new frock of self-respect and power. This was forged by years of inner restraint and hard-won courage. Feeling like a warrior in full battle regalia, I pulled out my sword to defend myself. My inner power surged and resounded in a battle cry.
I denied his request and suggested he look in the mirror at his own selfishness and take responsibility for his creations, grow up, and clean up his own messes. I directed him to what he was seeking to handle on his own, and ended what had quickly blown up into a downward spiral of negativity. My victory held a very dear price as he commenced to tell me I was dead to him, and I was no longer allowed to contact him, his wife or see his child.
Now, I can be passive at times, especially where my oldest is concerned. This conflict had been brewing for several years with no relief. Not wanting to rock the boat of our tenuous relationship, I’d always kept silent, hoping that one day, we would move past the barriers and make our peace. But after years with no resolution I realized things were only getting worse between us. Nothing I did or said would garner the love I desired, or make up for whatever he felt was wrong between us. Until he was open enough to stop placing blame, and take personal responsibility for his life and choices and discuss his feelings, we would never be able to move beyond it.
It was in this realization that I found the necessary courage to stand up for myself, and see the pattern of abuse we were both caught within. The unhealthy expectations that had entrapped us were revealed, and the lens of understanding had become clearer. I was finally ready to make the changes necessary for establishing new boundaries, even if he wasn’t. He would fight his battle when he was ready to. Loving my son despite his feelings towards me was not the problem, I would always be there for him if and when he wanted to talk and work things out. Not loving myself was the problem.
Since our last altercation I have stood my ground, and have allowed him his space. Several times I have wanted to break the silence and force a discussion, but then I would not be honoring his choice, whether I condoned it or not. Freedom of choice is something I have come to appreciate and value in all my relationships.
I know it will take time, but anything of worth does, including the hard-won lessons of love. In the end I trust that I have made the right decision. We will either reach an accord, and forgiveness and understanding will mend the chasm between us, or we will continue to go our separate ways.
The days of walking on eggshells with my son are over. I no longer have to tiptoe around him wondering when the next emotionally charged attack will occur, or if I have his love and respect. A new sense of self-love has emerged, allowing a greater balance in my life, releasing the perceived illusion I thought was love.
Being a parent and grandparent is one of the greatest gifts I have ever experienced. With increased self-honesty and self-love I can be just as great a gift in return.
Anything inspirational is worthy of contemplation and attention. A beautiful reflection of the awakening Soul for me is reflected in this video starting with just a trickle of Sound and expanding to a vibratory orchestral symphony. Soul awakens to its true majesty and power…drawing the mind into its expanding presence and taking its rightful station as the Conductor. Blessings!
Thank you for joining me on this incredible journey we call life. This is a new project for me as I am getting acclimated to blogging and this wonderful site.
I am so excited to begin this new adventure as I have waited for the right time and forum to share my personal insights, journeys and heartfelt experiences.
Please be patient as I move things around and add or update posts along the way. This is a labor of love for me and will be transforming as I find my footing and develop the blog.
In Love and courageous living,