You are stronger than you know says a quiet voice from within, silencing my strangled cries and stemming the flow of salty tears that stream down my blotchy face—bringing my attention out of a troubled fog and into focus. As daylight recedes, I hardly notice the blazing red sunset illuminating the row of floor to ceiling windows in my bedroom.
As the last rays of sunlight fade, I lay curled in the fetal position—cocooned in my soft down comforter on my king-sized bed. I seek a solace that refuses to appear. My bed, so often a sanctuary from the world, has now become a precarious cliff I struggle to cling to.
I am? Are you sure, I ask? My uncertainty wars with belief.
I am wracked with fearsome doubt. Worry assails me as I wonder how I will manage my crumbling life. A house of cards I have painstakingly created—now fallen in disarray. Mate, job and housing, all within several months of each other, completely torn away, and life as I have known it has become a fathomless mystery—a dark and scary place.
After 33 years of marriage, and raising two families, I was utterly alone for the first time since I was a teen. My third marriage of 15 years had deteriorated to ships passing in the night, giving as wide a berth as possible in our encroaching 1400 square foot condo. Our children had moved beyond the familial borders of their youth and were off living their own lives. I had been laid off from the great paying job I’d struggled so hard to earn and keep after years of varied sales positions–juggling family and career. A weariness had seeped into my bones, rendering me useless. As despair pulled me into depression, I was left insecure, unstable, and deeply unhappy.
As a last resort I call upon my beloved seeking his solace, always believing I can manage it alone—this atlas weight on my shoulders, wants to crush me—but I am in over my head. The only recourse left is to give in to surrender and turn it over to the Beloved. I let go and pour out my heart; it gushes like a waterfall. A power far greater than my own settles over me, embracing me in its cocoon of grace and mercy, lifting me upon the wings of love, leaving behind all that tethers me to the physical. I become weightless–floating on air, freer than I have ever been and more loved than I could have imagined. This love infuses me with its essence and caresses my being, filling me with an abundance of bliss, joy, and unbridled happiness. So full of love–Soul begins to giggle as it frolic’s with the Divine flow. On its heels—an inner warrior begins to emerge.
The powerful weight that assailed me is replaced with a new-found sense of strength and wisdom born of my experience. I knew nothing in this life was permanent. Not the children I so lovingly devoted myself to nurture—often neglecting my own needs. Not a marriage that no longer brought me any happiness, having become loveless and empty. Nor the perfect sanctuary I spent months to locate and wrestled with my spouse over to keep when we parted ways. (My beautiful eagle’s nest perched high in the mountainside overlooking the bustling city below with its million dollar views—now a debt too costly to pay on my own with the recession in full swing.) Not even the job that at first was a feather in my cap but had quickly revealed its ugly truths having me rethinking my career direction entirely. As each revelation emerges revealing its wisdom—I open myself up to the possibility that life exists after the fall, and like the suns rays after the storms passing, a stronger reliance on my Beloved shines brightly through—never to be hidden away again.
I stand up…and my inner warrior begins to show itself in myriad ways. It had found its voice and would be silent no more. It was time to take action. With the precision of a warrior wielding a sword, brokering no argument or indecision, the operation commenced.
A Transformed Life
I begin cleaning rental properties–a side job I had done in the past for extra income. The work is sporadic and dirty but all I can find at the time. I sell off most of my furniture as the money will be needed to defray the costs of breaking my lease and securing a new place to live. The rest I place in storage or give away. I part with a third of my clothes and store what I don’t need for the upcoming season. I keep what I need and don’t look back. I let it all go. The attachment to materialism has become unimportant in the dawning light of a new day.
I go from living in a 1400 sq ft space with 2 bathrooms, by myself, to sharing space in a 900 sq ft condo with a friend and her son–sharing a bathroom with a young man I have just met. Relying heavily on the Beloved and my new-found inner warrior–I make the best of it–relishing the actions taken with a fearlessness I am beginning to enjoy. An inner strength that cuts asunder any foe that dares to destroy my inner equilibrium, as long as I remain consciously aware of it.
Now nothing has the power to overwhelm me unless I give it sanction. Even then I can redirect the tide of my experience at any moment and rise above it and reign supreme. Regardless what “it” is.
This greater self within me shines, with sword in hand, coming to my rescue when I have had enough of the limiting roadblocks that threaten to imprison me and hold me down. When I feel myself held back by anything, that’s when my fearless warrior appears.
I look forward to the next battle.
An adventurer at heart, I have embarked on many journeys, both inner and outer and have experienced great insights from my travels. Though I consider myself a fairly courageous woman, for too long I allowed barriers of fear to restrict my forward movement in fully embracing my life and allowing my creative energy to flourish. I have recently created a new path filled with scintillating adventures, transforming experiences, and ebullient dances of Soul-filled expressions of love and bliss, breaking barriers of every kind along the way.
I invite you to join me.
Whether it is a camel excursion to a desert oasis, a relaxing jungle spa-retreat, or a class learning to surf, scuba or sail the oceans of the world—the possibilities to explore are endless. Wherever the road takes us, inner or outer, it will be a rich immersion into new vistas and cultures offering an enriching perspective of the amazing world and Universe we live within.
I plan excursions for small groups of women desiring to travel with like-spirited travelers seeking new friends and adventures. I customize each trip to create a unique life experience—breaking through barriers for all of us.
Here is what you will find…
* Clarity about what is holding you back from achieving a life of love, peace and happiness
* Renewed trust in the process of life
* Transformation; changing what isn’t working for you
* Creating boundaries that put you in control
* Freedom from the limiting fears that prevent you from moving forward
* Inner peace regardless what is happening in your life
* Balancing instability and living a joyful life
* Reclaim your power through your inner warrior
* Breaking free of the attachments that bind you
* Finding love whether you are in relationship or not
* Expand your vision
Here are a few of the journeys I am currently creating:
Hot Air Ballooning in Provence
Camel Riding in Israel’s Negev Desert
Del Mar Surf Camp & Yoga retreat; Costa Rica
Tango Dancing in Argentina
Scuba Diving in Belize
Setting Sail in Thailand; Learning to Captain your own Ship
Jungle Spa Retreat in Costa Rica
Salsa Dancing in Havana, Cuba
Paris; A love affair to remember
Wine Festival; crushing the grape in Sonoma Valley, California
White water rafting: Salmon River, Idaho
A taste of Italy; a culinary experience
Hiking to Paradise; Lake Havasupai Falls, Arizona (The Grand Canyon)
Cycling through France
Kelea Surf Spa; Oahu, Hawaii
Tabacon Grand Spa Thermal Resort; La Fortuna, Costa Rica
Tango Dancing in Argentina
Cougar dating; a singles Cruise—TBA
I invite you to follow my blog to receive updates.
Please email me to share any adventures you would be interested in.